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My Letters to You

Messages to my brother and father

Happy very belated birthday pops

It’s been about two months since coming on here.  Just lost the will and motivation to do anything really besides work and sleep. Pretty much a hermit at this point.

But on August 12th you would’ve turned 58. To celebrate mom, Becky, a couple grandkids and I went to your favorite pub. We also put some flowers up at the cemetery even though you’d think they were too girly.

Hope you and Dave celebrated with us and a cold one.

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7-7-17

Wow. Seven months already. It feels like an eternity has passed but its only been seven short months. I can still picture the last time we talked. The last time I saw you.

It bugs me a lot that had I known that would be the last time we would talk or see each other, would I have done anything differently?  Said something differently to you?

I hate these last seven months. And there’s still a lot of months and years to go.

I Miss You

I miss both of you. Life just doesn’t seem right anymore. It feels wrong. I was told it’s completely normal to feel this way after a major loss, let alone two.

My heart aches when I look at mom. She’s hurting so much with the loss of her son. There’s not a thing I can say, not a thing I can do to make her feel better. That devastation is ever lasting.

Headaches

I seem to panic every time a headache comes along. All my life my headaches have been frequent, and most of the time, painful. Since my brother passed of a brain aneurysm, I question every headache more than normal.

A common thought is ‘Am I dying? Is this what my brother felt? Am i going to make my mother suffer another terrible loss?’

Bring on the anxiety that follows.

My doctor actually wanted me to get looked at for them to make sure my brain doesn’t have any. That was a disaster for another day. I’ll have to try again to see how my brain looks.

What Bothers Me

It seems like everything does. At least it seems like it because all I post is me complaining. Me being sad or depressed. Maybe not a lot of angry posts but there have been a few. And I guess a lot if not most things bother me.

The easiest way to set me off? Telling me to just get over everything. Or to tell me I’m handling everything extremely well. I am far from handling it and I am far from ready to get over everything.

When my brother passed I was always angry with little remarks. Mom would constantly remind me that people didn’t know what was going on but it still irked me. I’ve been trying to keep that in mind with the last few months. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

I was telling my friend from my previous job about my doctors visit since she asked. I said she diagnosed me with depression.

“Yeah well do does everyone else, hate to break it to you.” this woman intervened.

I chose to ignore it and told her more about the visit.

“Get out and walk, you’ll feel better about your life. And stay off social media. Get over it.” the lady scoffed at me.

Now I know this lady didn’t know what was going on because i kept my mouth shut about the actual events these last few months. She doesn’t know and doesn’t need to know so I kept the details out of the conversation. And while I bit my tongue and kept from saying what i really wanted to, it got me wondering.

If you don’t know the full story and your imput wasn’t asked for, why say anything? You obviously have no idea what that person is talking about. So your advice to go for a walk isn’t really helping. Going for a walk isn’t going to bring my brother and father back. It gives me too much free time to think about them and leads to me breaking down.

Then if people do know about the situation, “you’re handling your brother’s/  father’s death pretty well” comes out. It has been almost 5 months for my brother, just hit a month for mt father. Do you honestly think I can function right now?

Most days I’m stressing about if last night was the last time I’ll see my mom. If I’m going to come home to another unexpected death. I panic excessively about losing my mom now. I drown in guilt over not checking up on my father that morning. I’m swallowed by sadness of the missed opportunities that I passed on with my brother and the years I was robbed of growing older together.

I am in a constant cycle of my emotions. There’s barely any sleep anymore. There’s raw eyes and a snotty nose after spending part of the days crying.

At the end of the day I need to be a functioning human being on society. I need to smile and play nice, pretending things are ok. I am far from ok. I am far from handling things.

Vacation

Once again I disappeared for awhile. It… I should’ve known coming into June that this would be a rough month for me. Having my birthday come up (2 days from Dave’s 6 months), with father’s day the following week, and my parent’s wedding anniversary at the end of the month… June doesn’t seem like an amazing month. Even at this moment it’s past midnight and I can’t sleep. I need to drive my friend back to the airport to be on her way in a couple of hours.

While it was nice being on vacation, it didn’t help the massive panic attack and mental breakdown I had on my birthday. It was expected. It didn’t happen until I tried to go to sleep. I just kept waiting for texts and calls that will never come again. Not to mention every store I walk into has a million signs for father’s day. My heart hurts every time I see those signs. My friend literally pushed me out of a store as they tried to sell me things for my father and made my face drop.

I’m not exactly sure the point of this post. Maybe just to… talk.

Two Months for Pops

I’ve been busy this month. It’s been a long, long month. Not to mention I haven’t had the motivation to actually write anything on here. The empty feeling has returned.

All the time I find myself listening to the voice mails dad left me. Even if they are almost 3 years old. He sounded the same so I don’t mind. I’m really not looking forward to my birthday in a few weeks.

I won’t get a birthday call/ text from pops. No random cat picture from my brother with subtle hints from me that it’s my birthday because he forgot. I’ve been dreading it all year long.

No Anniversary Posts

I realized on April 26th that I hadn’t done a post for my dad’s one month anniversary. And since I never missed my brother’s, it was always on that day, I didn’t think it was right to post one almost 4 days late for dad.

Yesterday was my brother’s 5 month anniversary (I keep calling it an anniversary because I have no idea what else to call it) and I didn’t want to do one for him and not dad. So I’m just going to skip his 5 month to make up for missing dad’s 1 month.

Help?

I can’t function very well. I can barely sleep, my head is constantly pounding, stomach is upset almost always, anything that can ache does. Not to mention I’m jumpy and having a lot of panic attacks. I’m seeing things that aren’t there. I feel like I’m losing it.

My doctor had me fill out a questionnaire about depression. Scored a 17 out of a possible 27. Seems rather high. I asked to talk to their therapist on the premises and she gave me some things for depression and anxiety.

While talking to her she said that my depression didnt sound like it just came on. And she’s right. But how do I tell her, or anyone, that the man I’m grieving over is a large reason for it?

For 25 years it’s been one jab at me after another. You’re not smart enough. You’re worthless. You’re useless. I don’t know why you’re even trying, you can’t do anything. All you do is fail. You’re making yourself ugly with the tattoos. You’re ugly. You’re fat.

Most of these were by multiple people over my life. Most, if not all, were said by my father. I never seemed to do right by him. I was never good enough for him no matter how much I tried. There was always something to nitpick.

I could never mention my feelings to him. If I felt he was being a bit harsh “suck it up. Grow thicker skin, not everyone is going to be nice to you”. Forget about telling him I was upset. “Get over it. It’s all in your mind. You have nothing to be sad and upset about. Your life doesn’t suck. You’re too young to be complaining about life.”

When depression did come up for one reason or another (like someone he knew was taking anti depressants). “Depression is a weakness. It’s not even real. Only the idiots who can’t handle life have to rely on pills.”

Pretend to smile and say everything was fine when inside I feel like a complete failure everytime i wake up. That I am a hideous, horrible human being. I’m too stupid to function and is there even a point of trying anymore.

In the end though, it still hurts me to have him gone. Because even though he wasn’t the greatest dad and we had our ups and downs, he still cared. He was protective of me and all the other siblings,  he’d bond over backwards for me any day at any hour of the day. He helped teach me to learn new skills. He made sure that I had everything he never had growing up.

He was still my father but it seemed with the way things were going, it was time to ask for help.

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