For the last several minutes I’ve just been staring at a blank screen. I have no words to type. I can’t figure out how to describe my feelings right now. I can’t figure out how to put my feelings into words to understand.

I was finally thinking we could pick up the pieces after losing my brother. It felt possible. Things could get better. We could feel sort of normal again.

But that was not meant to be. I mean I thought I was already at rock bottom. I didn’t think I could get lower than that. It’s possible. This week has been a whirlwind. These last 4 months have been a whirlwind. No one expected to have to do another funeral for my family. Even my job doesn’t know how to react to this.

With my brother there wasn’t much to take care of. There’s much more to take care of with my father. Him and my mother have been separated for years. Sure they are technically married but they haven’t lived together for years. He moved out about 5 or 6 years ago on my mother’s birthday. So we had a whole house to pack up and his landlady said “Not to be a cold hearted bitch but I need his things out ASAP so someone else can move in and pay me.” Which to me sounds very cold hearted.

Now we had to scramble to figure out where to put a house full of things in a short time span. His friend that found him ended up stealing his phone and wallet so we don’t even have that anymore. She did return the phone but not the wallet after changing her story several times.

All of this has just piled on top of me and I’ve been stuck in my bed, sick to my stomach for the last several days.

People keep telling me to take it a day at a time. They’ve been telling me since December. But I’ve noticed it comes from people who haven’t suffered such a loss like this. People who still have intact families. Sure, I knew my family wasn’t perfect. We fought and bickered. But this pain… you can’t understand until it happens.

Where do we go from here?

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