I was okay to go back to work about a week after Dave. I mean it sucked to have all my coworkers look at me with pity and sadness. To be reminded for several days just how sorry everyone was for my loss. But I still held it together. Granted I would secretly disappear into the bathroom to hyperventilate and cry, but I was able to hold it together for everyone to see.

My first day back was a disaster. Everyone looked at me in an awkward silence, the pity and sadness much worse than the first time. I had barely slept. Thinking I was feeling better, I never called out. The sick to my stomach feeling returned when I woke up to get ready to go. With barely any sleep, being ill for days, and a broken heart I was overwhelmed.

The whole way to work I cried. Two weeks prior my father had driven me to work since there was a blizzard on the way and he had a 4 wheel drive vehicle. That was all I could think of. I’m lucky I didn’t run into any cops. The tears were blurring my vision and I was speeding like a bat out of hell.

My manager gave me a hug when she first saw me and said I looked ill. I didn’t feel like talking so everyone just left me alone after that. When I went to take my coworker off, the first words out of his mouth were “I’m sorry about your father.” The water works started up all over again.

I made it a whole hour of stomach pains and panic attacks before my manager sent me home. She was surprised I had even bothered coming back so soon. I thought 10 days off would be enough. It was enough for my brother, so why wasn’t it enough for dad?

That whole day and yesterday I continued to have panic attacks. I was still ill. Every little thing began to make me cry. My mother talked me into calling in again last night. I was in no state of mind to return to work again.

Tonight I plan to try again. I need some sort of normalcy back into my life. Staying home just makes me miss my father and brother so much more.

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