I can’t function very well. I can barely sleep, my head is constantly pounding, stomach is upset almost always, anything that can ache does. Not to mention I’m jumpy and having a lot of panic attacks. I’m seeing things that aren’t there. I feel like I’m losing it.

My doctor had me fill out a questionnaire about depression. Scored a 17 out of a possible 27. Seems rather high. I asked to talk to their therapist on the premises and she gave me some things for depression and anxiety.

While talking to her she said that my depression didnt sound like it just came on. And she’s right. But how do I tell her, or anyone, that the man I’m grieving over is a large reason for it?

For 25 years it’s been one jab at me after another. You’re not smart enough. You’re worthless. You’re useless. I don’t know why you’re even trying, you can’t do anything. All you do is fail. You’re making yourself ugly with the tattoos. You’re ugly. You’re fat.

Most of these were by multiple people over my life. Most, if not all, were said by my father. I never seemed to do right by him. I was never good enough for him no matter how much I tried. There was always something to nitpick.

I could never mention my feelings to him. If I felt he was being a bit harsh “suck it up. Grow thicker skin, not everyone is going to be nice to you”. Forget about telling him I was upset. “Get over it. It’s all in your mind. You have nothing to be sad and upset about. Your life doesn’t suck. You’re too young to be complaining about life.”

When depression did come up for one reason or another (like someone he knew was taking anti depressants). “Depression is a weakness. It’s not even real. Only the idiots who can’t handle life have to rely on pills.”

Pretend to smile and say everything was fine when inside I feel like a complete failure everytime i wake up. That I am a hideous, horrible human being. I’m too stupid to function and is there even a point of trying anymore.

In the end though, it still hurts me to have him gone. Because even though he wasn’t the greatest dad and we had our ups and downs, he still cared. He was protective of me and all the other siblings,  he’d bond over backwards for me any day at any hour of the day. He helped teach me to learn new skills. He made sure that I had everything he never had growing up.

He was still my father but it seemed with the way things were going, it was time to ask for help.