It seems like everything does. At least it seems like it because all I post is me complaining. Me being sad or depressed. Maybe not a lot of angry posts but there have been a few. And I guess a lot if not most things bother me.

The easiest way to set me off? Telling me to just get over everything. Or to tell me I’m handling everything extremely well. I am far from handling it and I am far from ready to get over everything.

When my brother passed I was always angry with little remarks. Mom would constantly remind me that people didn’t know what was going on but it still irked me. I’ve been trying to keep that in mind with the last few months. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

I was telling my friend from my previous job about my doctors visit since she asked. I said she diagnosed me with depression.

“Yeah well do does everyone else, hate to break it to you.” this woman intervened.

I chose to ignore it and told her more about the visit.

“Get out and walk, you’ll feel better about your life. And stay off social media. Get over it.” the lady scoffed at me.

Now I know this lady didn’t know what was going on because i kept my mouth shut about the actual events these last few months. She doesn’t know and doesn’t need to know so I kept the details out of the conversation. And while I bit my tongue and kept from saying what i really wanted to, it got me wondering.

If you don’t know the full story and your imput wasn’t asked for, why say anything? You obviously have no idea what that person is talking about. So your advice to go for a walk isn’t really helping. Going for a walk isn’t going to bring my brother and father back. It gives me too much free time to think about them and leads to me breaking down.

Then if people do know about the situation, “you’re handling your brother’s/  father’s death pretty well” comes out. It has been almost 5 months for my brother, just hit a month for mt father. Do you honestly think I can function right now?

Most days I’m stressing about if last night was the last time I’ll see my mom. If I’m going to come home to another unexpected death. I panic excessively about losing my mom now. I drown in guilt over not checking up on my father that morning. I’m swallowed by sadness of the missed opportunities that I passed on with my brother and the years I was robbed of growing older together.

I am in a constant cycle of my emotions. There’s barely any sleep anymore. There’s raw eyes and a snotty nose after spending part of the days crying.

At the end of the day I need to be a functioning human being on society. I need to smile and play nice, pretending things are ok. I am far from ok. I am far from handling things.